I’ve been think about this question for a while. Sometimes I almost get to an answer. It’s on the tip of my tongue. It’s going to be one of those things that my brain will register and bring forward at 2:34 in the morning.
Then it’s gone. The answer has escaped once again, and heaven only know where it vanishes.
There was a time when I did know what my role was. I felt so calm, and every day made sense. I even had a routine that was followed every day of the week with slight variations for the weekends. I can honestly say that overall I was a happy person.
Since the marriage to my second husband (who will be the one I’m with until death), everything (and I really do mean everything) is in disarray. Routine is lucky to last a full week. In the morning, I may be a wife, but by the afternoon, I’ve become someone detached from the household. By evening, sometimes all I am is a writer without any other responsibilities. Other times, those few hours after dinner and before bedtime are split into so many fragments I feel that I’m scraps of paper caught in a tornado on the plains of Oklahoma.
Yes, I know that for most people, there are several roles to be played, and some are played simultaneously during the course of a day. Are these people just more certain about the roles they have? I see people in my neighborhood being caregivers, mechanics, cooks, husbands, wives, etc. Some of these roles are engaged in at the same time. They do this so gracefully without missing a beat.
What is making it work for them?
It could be that their routines are in harmony, both the ones they have individually and the ones they share with others. There could be a blueprint that they follow depending on what has just occurred.
It could be that they take the directions of their lives more lightly than I do mine. I do calculate my time with precision. In many cases, this is more of a must than it is a preference. Most activities take more time to prepare for when one is living with a physical disability. There isn’t any way to get around this. What’s more, one must consider the convenience, or more accurately, the lack of convenience that the extra time needed can cause for others. This is where planning and calculating of individual minutes becomes important. I know; it’s micromanaging.
I roughly spend about 15 to 20 minutes preparing to do the laundry every week. I must use a laundry cart to gather up the clothes. Once I have the cart in the laundry room, I make sure that the whites aren’t mixed with the colors. No one likes pink or dingy when the item should be white. Next, I pretreat the clothes that have stains. It’s then that I can start the process of doing the laundry. Yes, if I didn’t have the mobility problems both in one of my legs and one of my arms/hands, all of the preparation would be a snap. (Do not read spousal abuse in this. There isn’t any.)
Could it be that my concentration is so keen for each role that I perform that I’m put in a position where I ‘can’t see the forest for the trees’? This is a persuasive possibility. Could I be putting too much effort on the details of life so I can’t let life be at it is? This is a convincing argument that I should explore.
Do you ever wonder about the roles you have in your life? Do you wonder how they affect your life as a whole?
- Routine, routine, routine (blackmascarateardrops.wordpress.com)