About three weeks ago, I published a post about four boys I had babysat as a teenager, Courtney’s Boys. At the time I had written this piece, I had no idea how it would affect me emotionally. You see, I had felt close to those boys and their parents back then. In my mind’s eye, they were extended family. They moved to another state shortly after my son was born, and because of circumstances at the time, all contact with them was lost. I filed their memory someplace in the back room of my mind.
As I wrote the article about this time in my life, I was nostalgic but composed. It was just another part of the memoirs I’m writing in this blog.
By the time I had clicked ‘Publish’, I got this brainy idea to try to find this family. I hadn’t tried for many years, more like decades in fact. With all the helps that the Internet has to offer, I thought I may have some luck this time. And I did. I was able to find the oldest boy, Chip, who now has a family of his own. Through Chip, I found the other members of his family.
All the excitement surrounding this discovery started to help me find that lost pieces of myself that had been missing for a long. The only trouble was that I didn’t know what to do with this feeling that was seeping into all of my daily activities. Should I be trying to get us all together again? Or should I just sit a little low and play it by ear? Or should I deem this the end of a chapter in my book of life?
It seems that humans have troubles knowing and even learning what to leave in their past. Often the person feels that it is impossible to let his/her past stay in the past, and will run through it time and time again. In doing this, he/she ends up spinning his/her wheels and not getting anyplace. I have done this a few times myself. What’s so frustrating is that if I’d just sever my ties with incidents from long ago, moving forward in my life would probably be so much easier.
On the other hand, sometimes a person has to discover something from his/her past before he/she can make those steps in the right direction in his/her future. I think the trick is to not dwell too long on that discovery, and instead, use it as a beacon to help move forward.
Where does this take me in answering those questions in the third paragraph of this post? (Is this clear to everyone?)
If I try to get all of us together, I think it would feel staged. I don’t think it would feel like ‘the real McCoy’. Sitting low makes me feel that I’m waiting for the past to catch up with me. Then again, it is a comfortable middle ground as long as I keep my head on straight about this. What I’m inclined to do is to end this chapter in my life. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I never have contact with Courtney’s family again. It means, instead, that our relationships with each other have changed and we can explore and learn about each other again.
Yes, I like that last one best of all. It’s time to start building on these new friendships.
Do you have trouble leaving the past behind?
- On Learning to Let Go (moniquejohn.com)
- Peeling back the blame to expose my Ego and nourish my soul. (heartshiddenword.wordpress.com)