A State Of Unknowing

Image provided by
Wonderlane @ http://www.flickr.com/photos/wonderlane/

This is the responses for my third lesson in Writing Bliss’s free email course, Inner Journey. Please read about my results of the first lesson, Meaning At Any Given Moment here. You may find my reactions of the second assignment, My Heart Is At Work, or the third assignment, Simmering For Wholeness, worth reading too.

Image provided by
Daniel Voyager @ http://www.flickr.com/photos/danielvoyager/

“Doubt is a state of openness and unknowing. It’s a willingness to not be in charge, to not know what is going to happen next.”
– – Bernard Glassman and Rick Fields, Authors of Instructions to the Cook

For this assignment, I chose the fifth question to answer. (I love the fact that I only have to address one of five questions for each assignment. 😉 )

What things are stopping you from doing what you truly want to do? Examine honestly, if these things are legitimate hindrances or are simply excuses you’ve come up with because of an unspoken fear.

First, I needed to discover what things I would truly be happy doing. At this stage in my life — middle-aged rapidly heading to being a senior — what I’m capable of doing has dwindled a little. Also, my disability is a factor that can’t be ignored. There isn’t any point in discussing desires that realistically can’t be fulfilled. With this said however, this would be a worthless exercise if I stick to the things that are easy to accomplish just to complete the assignment.

What I Want to Do

• Be a published writer: Although I have been published, it was in March of Dimes newsletters almost twenty years ago. I want people to read what I’ve written recently, and if possible, get paid for it.
• I want to live in Europe: This is a far as I have thought about this dream. I haven’t picked a city/town or even a country of preference yet. I just know that when I’ve been in Europe before, I felt that I belonged there instead of here in the US.
• I want to design a more disability-friendly house: I want to design the house both inside and out.

Obstacles and Apprehensions

There is a big difference between these two. I think of obstacles as things that actually get in the way of what I want to do. For example, I cannot ride a regular bike because of the obstacle I have, poor balance of the entire body. It’s a medical condition I have no control over. When I think of apprehensions, doubts and uncertainty comes to mind. There’s still a possibility that I can do whatever it is. I just have to get past the ‘what ifs’ and drum up the courage to move forward with it.

• Being a published writer: I must be honest here. There aren’t any obstacles. All that is stopping me is me. I have these humongous doubts about my writing abilities. There are a few people who say I have the talent for it, but this doesn’t do me much good. I need to know if I have a chance at this for myself. Of course, this means going into the unknown and putting my work out there for someone to seriously critique. I’ve gotten as far as having a public blog for everyone in cyber space to read. This is a start but I need to push myself, push myself hard to take that next step.
• Living in Europe: I think there are real obstacles with this one. The obvious one is money. At my age and with my disability, I doubt very seriously that I could get a job anywhere in Europe. If you couple this with the fact that I don’t know any other language other than English, I would say that my chances of finding employment there is nil. If I won the lottery or the Publisher’s Clearing House money, yes, I could move to anywhere I wanted. Yes, I know – keep on dreaming.
• Designing a disability-friendly house: I think this one may be a combination of obstacles and apprehensions. If I could find the money to go back to college to take the courses needed for this kind of endeavor, there’s a small, very small chance that I could really do it. Money for college education is slim right now, but there are some grants still available for the ones who want to hunt them down. Still, even if I got the education, I really can’t image anyone hiring an old broad like me to design a house of any type, let alone one that’s disability-friendly. I say this with knowledge to back me up. I worked as a patient representative for ten years at a major hospital. When I first moved to this little town I live now, I tried to get a job at the local hospital. I was willing to start at the bottom again. As you’ve guessed, they wouldn’t hire me. Times are tougher now so my chances for employment are very scarce.

Granted, I could probably shoot for all three of these ideas I consider my dreams or passions. I think my largest hang-up is that I’m a realist. I believe I do have the courage to face the unknown, the doubts. It’s just that sometimes it takes a long time for me to muster it up for the challenge.

I lived in Europe for almost two years when I was younger. I’ve seen how Europeans treat their seniors. I can tell you that those of us in the US could learn a thing or two in this area. Fear of living there is not a problem for me.

I know that I could probably design a fabulous house that is disability-friendly. However, I can’t see the point in making such an effort when the chances of anyone actually following through by building the structure sounds ludicrous to me.

As for being a published writer, with diligence and moral support, I just may make it yet.