After writing posts about the drastic change that began to happen in my life at the age of 17, I’ve decided to write a post that’s philosophical in nature. Going from an overactive teenager to a crippled one who appeared to have nothing in her future but sorrow is devastating.
You did catch that word, appeared, didn’t you?
First, I needed to look up the word, dystopia. Obviously it was bound to mean something than the perfect society, utopia.
Dystopia: an imaginary place where people lead dehumanized and often fearful lives
From the outside looking in on my circumstances, it seemed as though I would be powerless, helpless, trapped, and without any hope for the rest of my life. And there were many times during the first few years when I felt that way. Often I would tell people that I became dependent on Independence Day. Yet, somehow those feeling have never lasted very long.
The one thing I almost always feel negative about myself is the same thing that I’ve been fighting since I was a little kid. It has absolutely nothing to do with the disability I acquired. Somehow, without any effort, I’ve been able to separate my disability from who and what I am.
At first, I was able to battle these negative feels with a little help from the loved ones around me. I’d fall because of lack of balance, drop something because I didn’t have the right grip in the one and only hand that works, or I wouldn’t be able to spell a simple word I used to write out all the time before that terrible day. My mom, my brother, or Courtney who lived in back of us would tell me with certainty in his or her voice that I could do it. “Just try again.” “Take your time and work on it.”
I eventually learned to tell myself to remember how I had to do the same things to learn how to ride a bike, swim, and play the flute.
I know a few people through blogs here on the Internet who combat with depression. Because of what I’ve been through, I do believe I understand the powerless, helpless, trapped, hopeless feels they have. Dear fellow bloggers, I could try to tell you how to gain what you think you don’t have, but from what I have learned thus far, you can only learn it for yourself. Opening up the memories is difficult to say the least, but that is exactly where you’re going to find what you feel you’re missing, where you’re going to find your strength.
Something else I’ve learned along the way is how to look at life as a whole. In our world, I think many put their lives in tiny little blocks trying to separate everything and then getting frustrated and depressed when it’s impossible to do that. I’ve gotten rid of all the blocks of my life and now consider my life one big huge mess that can have many wonderful, happy and sad parts that always mingle with each other. I don’t try so hard to figure out my life.
I just live it now.