#thepersonalside: Lost in Muckiness

image by Brandon Fick @ https://www.flickr.com/photos/ficken/

Yes, I know muckiness is not a real word but it describes the dilemma I found myself in during most of last month, the month of May. The dictionary define the word muck as

1. moist farmyard dung, decaying vegetable matter, etc.; manure.

2. a highly organic, dark or black soil, less than 50 percent combustible, often used as a manure.

3. mire; mud.

4. filth, dirt, or slime.

5. defamatory or sullying remarks.

6. a state of chaos or confusion: to make a muck of things.

7. Chiefly British Informal. something of no value; trash.

For me, it was a combination of number three and six.

I felt as if I was in a marsh trying my best to navigate to the other side of wherever I mentally was. And, truthfully, I really was not sure where I was about anything in my life.

[I do not write this to gain sympathy. This is more of an account of a block of time in my current life.]

Disappointment about my lack of progress in my writing weighed me down. I sloshed through each day, sitting in front of the keyboard pulling words out of my brain. They cropped up on the screen one by one making sentences that surely could not have been mine. Yet, I kept banging on the keys. After a couple of weeks of this nonsense, I closed the files on all of my projects contemplating the idea of never facing another writing venture ever again.

May is a spring month where I reside. As it unfolded, it brought germs my body refused to resist. Yes, I got a nasty cold. This added to the muckiness of my daily life. There were times when I could not even write one full sentence without having to stop to use a tissue or two or three. I felt each step I took through the house was in sludge up to my thighs. Usually, when I get a cold, I sniffle and am slightly sluggish, with it lasting approximately three or four days. It is not a big deal by any means in my book of life. However, this time, the germs played havoc with me for over three weeks. It was just a week ago that I felt like I had what I consider a normal cold except for the time duration still dragging on and on.

While this was going on, I encountered a longing to be outside experiencing the warm temperatures. With May, reputably, being the time when nature is at its best and I did not have a fever, it seemed logical for me to spend a while out there. I sat in the lawn chair under the roof of the car port watching the rain fall out of the heavens. It did not last long though before the wind picked up, blowing millions of raindrops into the area where I sat. It was as if the wafting of wind were waiting for me to make my appearance every day just to drive the rain towards me that would ruin my few minutes of fresh air and serenity.

Everything has gotten a little better since the beginning of June. To say the least, I am relieved. I had begun to think I would never find contentment again.

I still sneeze and, sometimes, cough but I know it is just the after-cold junk. The words on the screen are beginning to look familiar to me again and motivation is not such a tug of war now. The rainstorms still dot the region where I live but I can enjoy more time soaking up nature without getting drenched.

§

Have circumstances ever made you feel lost?

“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.”
Shaun Hick

 

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20 Replies to “#thepersonalside: Lost in Muckiness”

  1. It’s awful to feel throttled by a cold, exacerbated by funky weather, but both will pass. As for the progress of your writing, I think you’re just in a slump. It’s part of the creative process. Please don’t think I’m being patronizing. I’ve read about so many authors who questioned the value of their works, of artists who burned paintings. No one feels “up” all the time. Keep at it – you’ll catch your rhythm again.

    I hope your cold and fever are gone by now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I still have a little of an after-cold cough but, for the most part, the cold is gone and my spirits are up a little. The weather has finally decided to behave a little. The last two days have been almost perfect for sitting outside in contemplation. While I am waiting for my muse to return from wherever it went, I am doing writing exercises.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. When I got the cold, I knew I would slow down. I was not expecting it to wipe me out for three days though. To this day, I am certain I could have done better during the duration of the coughing, hacking, and sneezing if the weather had not been so miserable. The floundering with my writing still would have been there but my mood would have been better about it. I still feel immersed in the muddy waters of befuddlement while at the keyboard but the level is not as high as it was.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you’re feeling better and using fewer tissues. I hate those colds that just don’t seem to go away. When you don’t fell good, it’s hard to crank up the creativity. Everything is blah and tasteless.

    May was a crummy month here for weather and a crummy month in general. I’m looking forward to June being better. It started out cold and rainy here, with high temps barely reaching the mid 50s. But, it’s going to be in the 70s today, and in the 80s and 90s over the weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am diligently working on writing exercises while my creativity is in this slump. Maybe I will find it along the way.

      June is better here except for the darn humidity. This weekend it will be up in the 80s and there has been two whole days without any rain now.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Your post drives home the variety that exists on the same planet. For us, May is the time when dry and hot weather hits. And hot means hot. Temperatures that routinely exceed 42C on a daily basis, at times going upto 45 (about 113F). But all part of the larger scheme I guess. There are many other pleasant times in the year. But not May for sure.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am originally from Colorado, which is three states west of where I am now. There, May is the month everyone waits for because there is only a slight chance of snow and more likely to have bright sunny days in the high 70s [Faharihit].

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the good wishes, Jo-Ann. The cold is gone now without even a sniffle left. The exercises are coming along and giving me inspiration. My only complaint is it is now so hot outside I need to have a a/c [fake air] on.

      Thank you for the compliment too. Slowly but surely I am finding the look for my blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, Glynis, I do know what it is to slog through days deriving little pleasure from activities that usually make me happy and feeling that things will never get better. I think of them as my “everything is awful” days. My mom used to tell me to go to bed and start fresh in the morning when I feel better, but that advice doesn’t always work. I empathize with you and hope as your health improves you will return to yourself completely and happily.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have very few days that are completely disgusting. As a kid, my mom would not allow such days. She said no one can have entire days that are awful, just moments are that way. I believed her and still do for the most part. Just some days have so many on those terrible moments so the better times of that day are forgotten.

      Like

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