#thepersonalside: Distressful Suspicions

#thepersonalside: Distressful Perceptions
image by Alejo @ https://www.flickr.com/photos/garunaborbor/

When I was a child, I was fortunate enough to be able to trust almost everyone I knew. I did not hide secrets from my parents. I, readily, owned up to anything I did wrong, whether it be a mistake or from mischief. Sure, I had to face the consequences for whatever I do or did not do but nothing was ever that harsh.

Then, one day, at the start of my teenage years, I discovered my father’s secret. I was horrified and dismayed by my findings. Here I thought I had as close to the perfect family that anyone could have. To find out my father had a flaw that could be humiliating so that it had to be concealed was heartbreaking to a girl who was just twelve years old.

[I will not reveal what this secret was here in cyberspace. I will tell you that it is still something that is frowned on. Changes in society’s standards have not touched this flaw as of yet.]

When I was finally on my own as an adult, I suppressed this memory, hoping I could let it go out into the cosmos never to be seen, heard, or thought of again. Of course, it did not stay hidden. Every time I see someone with this same vice, I recoil in disgruntlement and disrespect.

Losing the ability to trust means everything about life feels unsafe. —Cat, My Travels with Depression

I cannot say I am without trust in my life. However, with each confidence I feel for someone, there is also a part of that person I doubt. Do other people have this clashing going on within themselves? My suspicion is I am not the only one, not by a long shot.

I will not chalk up these uncertainties of others to how I was raised as a whole despite the incisiveness of how that one incident changed my perception of life. I was taught to take life as it is. Because of this guidance, I have never expected anything on the one account that I deserve it. Disappointment is in everyone’s life at various times. How one behaves when it shows up reveals the type of person he or she is.

When I experience the presence of someone with my father’s secret flaw though, that first feeling of shock floods over me all over again.

I am sure someone would love to tell me to get some counseling. However, that would not guarantee I would be any happier than what I usually am. Many people do not like the vice my father had so I doubt, seriously, I am going to find myself in a position where I am non-functioning without therapy of some sort. I know I am not alone.

What I prefer to do is focus on keeping things in perspective. I detest this failing in people so I try my best to avoid those who have it. When I cannot dodge it, I keep my distance from that person hoping he or she will not approach me. If that does not work, I try to stay polite but keep the conversation short.

I am not made to get along with every person. There are times when I have reprimanded myself for not being more harmonious but I must face the facts of my existence. I just do not like everything and that includes people. My life experiences have shaped me into who I am thus far. I cannot undo any of that.

And, after all, I know I have some vices people cannot tolerate as well.

§

Are there flaws in people that send your flying up the wall?

“We can’t reach old age by another man’s road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.”
Mark Twain, The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain

 

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13 Replies to “#thepersonalside: Distressful Suspicions”

  1. Glynis, I feel strongly for the 12 year old girl. The tumble of a hero and the trust that went with it is as big as any grief. Through that sorrow you have remained upright and balanced in your life.
    Your writing is so clear and fluid.
    Miriam

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    1. Miriam, thank you for such a wonderful compliment.

      Although my father was not what I would call good father material, my mom more than made up for it as a mother. She let me be my independent self, yet has always been there when I need her.

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  2. Sorry to hear you found out a secret about your father that didn’t sit well with you. It must have been a shock and doesn’t sound like something you can get over. Like you, I don’t trust people very often, and I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t talk to others unless I absolutely have to and mind my own business and go about my way. The less people you know, the more you can focus on yourself and the ones who really matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Some things cannot be gotten over. The hurt goes too deep. The wound may heal but the scar is nasty. My circle of trust has become smaller because of my father. This has turned out to be something that has kept me safe in many instances.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. It’s hard when your trust in someone is shaken. How we deal with that has to be an individual choice. I’ve had to turn away from a couple people who were close. It’s hard, but it had to be.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have been deeply disappointed by people I loved–blindsided by their actions, so different from the person I knew. It’s painful. I move on, knowing they are being themselves and that makes them happy, just not who I want to trust or respect.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. One of the hardest things we can ever do is to learn to forgive. It means facing our own flaws and trying to understand those who we feel betrayed us by being who they are. In fact, it’s part of growing up that each of us feels – leaving our childhood behind for the raw if sometimes ugly reality of adulthood.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What you say I have heard and read many times. And you are probably right, Shari. Yet, I know he knew what he did wrong and, still, would not apologize. I do forgive when an apology is given. I never received one from him.

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