#thepersonalside: Distressful Suspicions

image by Alejo @ https://www.flickr.com/photos/garunaborbor/

When I was a child, I was fortunate enough to be able to trust almost everyone I knew. I did not hide secrets from my parents. I, readily, owned up to anything I did wrong, whether it be a mistake or from mischief. Sure, I had to face the consequences for whatever I do or did not do but nothing was ever that harsh.

Then, one day, at the start of my teenage years, I discovered my father’s secret. I was horrified and dismayed by my findings. Here I thought I had as close to the perfect family that anyone could have. To find out my father had a flaw that could be humiliating so that it had to be concealed was heartbreaking to a girl who was just twelve years old.

[I will not reveal what this secret was here in cyberspace. I will tell you that it is still something that is frowned on. Changes in society’s standards have not touched this flaw as of yet.]

When I was finally on my own as an adult, I suppressed this memory, hoping I could let it go out into the cosmos never to be seen, heard, or thought of again. Of course, it did not stay hidden. Every time I see someone with this same vice, I recoil in disgruntlement and disrespect.

Losing the ability to trust means everything about life feels unsafe. —Cat, My Travels with Depression

I cannot say I am without trust in my life. However, with each confidence I feel for someone, there is also a part of that person I doubt. Do other people have this clashing going on within themselves? My suspicion is I am not the only one, not by a long shot.

I will not chalk up these uncertainties of others to how I was raised as a whole despite the incisiveness of how that one incident changed my perception of life. I was taught to take life as it is. Because of this guidance, I have never expected anything on the one account that I deserve it. Disappointment is in everyone’s life at various times. How one behaves when it shows up reveals the type of person he or she is.

When I experience the presence of someone with my father’s secret flaw though, that first feeling of shock floods over me all over again.

I am sure someone would love to tell me to get some counseling. However, that would not guarantee I would be any happier than what I usually am. Many people do not like the vice my father had so I doubt, seriously, I am going to find myself in a position where I am non-functioning without therapy of some sort. I know I am not alone.

What I prefer to do is focus on keeping things in perspective. I detest this failing in people so I try my best to avoid those who have it. When I cannot dodge it, I keep my distance from that person hoping he or she will not approach me. If that does not work, I try to stay polite but keep the conversation short.

I am not made to get along with every person. There are times when I have reprimanded myself for not being more harmonious but I must face the facts of my existence. I just do not like everything and that includes people. My life experiences have shaped me into who I am thus far. I cannot undo any of that.

And, after all, I know I have some vices people cannot tolerate as well.

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Are there flaws in people that send your flying up the wall?

“We can’t reach old age by another man’s road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.”
― Mark Twain, The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain